I’m thankfully very remote from the capital these days, but Edwin will occasionally regale the morning meeting with dark fables about how much a pint now costs in London. He’ll stumble on to camera, his eyes bloodshot and breathing heavy, and we’ll all know he’s traded a new vital organ for a swift half. Occasionally he’ll dart his head around to the sound of banging at the door then immediately dive out of the window, and we’ll pray for his safe return after outrunning The Bad Teapot gang, who he borrowed £8000 from in 2006 for a warm plastic beaker of Carling with a dead wasp floating in it. Sounds bleak down there.
As such, I would not blame anyone south of the Severn-Wash for resorting to the stealth puzzle drink stealing antics we find in Sipssassin. You play a bald, sharply dressed sneak thief. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to never pay for another drink as long as you live. There are some nonsense lore reasons about why it’s actually good and cool that you’re half-inching everyone’s tipples but that just makes it less fun, honestly. Here’s a trailer.
Many classic stealth tricks are available to you. Disguising yourself as a security guard. Hiding in a cardboard box. Burying yourself in a ridiculously-placed hay bale. Putting a moose head over your victim’s eyes so they can’t see you pinch their margarita. As with classic Hitman, there are also a selection of mundane objects to bonk people with, stunning them so you can make a getaway. You’re not confined to just Agent 47’s disappointing son, either. You’ll also unlock other characters, one of which is Agent 47’s much less disappointing son, a horrible goose.
There are four game modes in all. ‘Sipstraction’ tasks you simply with stealing six drinks then scoring you on how many times you were discovered. In ‘Happy Hour’ you’ll need to combo guzzle as many ill-gotten bevvies as possible in a two minute time limit. ‘Drinkvesitage’ involves a “special tracking activity”, and there’s also an exploration free roam mode, where you’ll take on side quests and meet characters. I’ll let good mate Steam describe the features. That’s just good business sense, that.
- 25 playable characters to unlock
- 5 unique missions with hidden secrets
- 4 distinct game modes to prove your Sipssassin abilities
- Over 60 different drinks to drink
- Lots of NPCs to steal drinks from
- 6 Legendary Drinks that grant special power up abilities
- 6 Special Gadgets that help you be a sneaky little guy
- 50 collectible shards to find and rebuild the Chalice of Destiny
- Disguises to gain access to restricted areas
- Wacky characters to meet and talk to
- An alternate dimension video game conference called “Yeet3”
- A super long straw so you can drink your neighbor’s milkshake
- Fun
Sipsassin is due out on May 2nd, 2025. No price details, yet. Slightly more than a wasp pint, presumably.